From Vegas with ... Crazy!

My wife and I are going to Las Vegas this week for our first vacation without the kids in about 7 years. In honor of our trip I thought I would write about what happened the last time we were in Vegas and tried to get away for an evening on the town without the kids...

About 3 years and 9 months ago, my family went to Las Vegas for a family vacation. It was my wife, my son Alex and my daughter Cambrian. My 3 year old son had not been born yet (you do the math *wink wink*). My wife's cousin Ambee also flew in from California to meet us. We stayed at the Rio in adjoining rooms. The rooms at the Rio are all suites and they are huge. My kids were in paradise, they could just run and run.

After being in Vegas for a couple of days, my wife's cousin suggested that Cindy and I go out for an evening and leave the kids with her. A whole evening out without the kids, what would we do with ourselves? We decided we could only be gone for a couple of hours, so we brainstormed what to do. The Venetian had opened a couple of years before and we hadn't had a chance to see the hotel yet so we decided to go over and have a look around and ride the gondolas.

We were in for quite a treat. The Venetian is a truly overwhelming visual feast. It is also very easy to get lost in. After wondering around for a while, we happened upon the grand canal. It features lots of upscale shops and trendy restaurants. It is also one of the places in the hotel you can buy tickets for the gondolas.

When we got in line there was only one couple ahead of us. There seemed to be some technical difficulty with the computer and we had to wait until a manager could be found. While we waited a line began to form. Immediately behind us were three or four very giggly women on holiday (possibly bridesmaids). It was very entertaining to listen to them talk (very loudly) about the partying that went on the night before. Finally the line started moving and we went up to buy our tickets.

After buying two tickets for the outside gondola, we tried to navigate to the front of the hotel. We evidently did a poor job as the giggly bridesmaids who where behind us in line beat us to the the gondola stand in front of the hotel.

***** Warning Gondola Spoilers Below *****

Ok, I have to make a confession. I have wanted to ride in a gondola since I was 12. Not a gondola at a major Las Vegas resort hotel, but a real gondola in Venice, Italy. Ever since seeing From Russia with Love, I have wanted to take a romantic cruise down the beautiful canals of Venice with my own little Tatiana Romanova. Sadly, my psuedo-gondola ride at the Venetian did not fit the bill.

First of all, the four giggly bridesmaids turned out to be three giggly bridesmaids who evidentily paid the premium to have a private gondola. My romantic gondola ride for two was quickly evaporating. We were stuck with the stragler. She was a slender woman, mid to late forties, wearing a light blouse and a skirt far too short for a woman half her age. I never did get her name, but as you will see in moment that was not an issue. As I got into the gondola I thought she looked like trouble, I had no idea...

The Gondoleer helped my wife Cindy into the back of the gondola and helped our new shipmate into the front. As I sat down next to my wife across from the other passenger, my eyes shot skyward and I realized I would be spending the rest of the cruise looking at the Vegas skyline. I mentioned the short skirt before, let's just say our new friend was not sitting indian style.

With all the veneer peeling off my romantic cruise we pushed off from the dock or should I say rolled off. The gondolas are actually rather large amusement cars set on tracks and all follow the same route at the same pace, the gondoleer is simply window dressing. Now as all of my illusions were disolving, the gondoleer (or gondoleera, it was a girl), uttered the fateful words to our new friend, "Senorina, why is a lovely woman like yourself alone on a romantic evening like this". Ok, before we start, that was a really poor question.

The woman composed herself and then in a shaky voice said, "My husband designed most of the attractions here in Las Vegas, he died two years ago and this is the first time I have nerved myself to come back". The temperature in the gondola dropped 20 degrees. I looked back at the gondoleera, she had that deer in the headlights look. She looked at me like "What the hell do I say now"? But she did not have to worry because the floodgates had opened. The woman, who we will from now on refer to as "Crazy Lady" began to talk about how her husband designed the volcano at The Mirage, the fountains at Bellagio, and in what seemed like a complete afterthought, the gondolas at The Venetian. She went on and on, her voice sometimes cracking with emotion, as the gondola continued around the track. The gondoleera could not get a word in edgewise. Each new fact that came up was more implausible than the last. I don't even remember it all, my BS alarm began to go off after a completely insane explaination of how the volcano works at The Mirage.

The more she said, the creepier it got. Cindy kept squeezing my hand in some attempt to signal me that this woman was definitely not right. The gondoleera kept desperately trying to interupt because she had a prewritten script of things she was supposed to say and do. The Crazy Lady was not having it, she had hijacked this gondola and she was not giving up control until it reached the dock.

On a normal gondola ride at the Venetian when you round the second to the last turn your gondoleer begins to seranade you with a lovely italian song. Our gondoleer ended up singing the entire song at the dock with the entire staff standing by. It was magical...not.

As we exited the gondola, we were herded into the "Have your picture taken to remember this special moment" line. Crazy Lady stepped up and had her picture taken. My wife in a very nervous voice whispered in my ear, "what if she wants to hang out with us". I shuddered. "Then we push her down and make a break for it", I said only half joking. When we finished having our pictures taken (which we had no intention in hell of buying), Crazy Lady walked over to where we were standing. Cindy squeezed my hand preparing to make a fast getaway. "You kids, have a lovely evening", she said, and turned and walked into the hotel to regale other hotel guests with tales of love lost and volcanoes built.

As my wife and I hurriedly headed for the car, my wife said, "Your friends are right, these kind of things only happen to you"...

See you in a week, I am outa here!